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“In your diary, you quoted old Jiko saying something about not-knowing, how not-knowing is the most intimate way or did I just dream that? Anyway, I’ve been thinking about this a lot, and I think maybe it’s true, even though I don’t really like uncertainty. I’d much rather ‘know’, but then again, not-knowing keeps all the possibilities open. It keeps all the worlds alive.” – Ruth Ozeki, A Tale for the Time Being

Oftentimes when uncertainty comes rushing in and it is the only thing I see, the wave crashes into me, it can’t go through me like I want. The question marks pile up until there is no more than a curved line and a dot in everything I see, touch, or feel. That’s when I know it is time to breathe, to catch my breath, maybe cry a little, get the pent up and pushing away, out.

I like the idea that uncertainty keeps ALL possibilities open. That means, even the good ones. Oftentimes, I think of uncertainty as bad and anything that is uncertain is sure to result in some horrible consequence or catastrophe. Throughout this pandemic, I’ve seen so much good. People coming together to problem solve, to appreciate each other and to help one another out. Many of us didn’t see this coming, some of us may have been a little more prepared, but none of us knew how we would handle something like this until we were staring it down. Many were faced with job loss and others an opportunity to step-up without protective equipment to confront a serious virus. No one “asked” for this but we have ways to make our situation better.

We just watched Fellowship of the Rings and we knew that Gandalf was wise, but his words come in very handy right now…

And also, I’m so grateful for this time. My son is at an age where he doesn’t know what a global pandemic is, he isn’t talking in full sentences and he is simply happy to be home with his Mama and Dada and dog. He tells me he is happy after a glass of milk or when we cuddle tight. He gives me kisses on the cheek and big smiles that demand that I stay present and focused. I demand that I smile and share in his joy because these moments are small, fleeting things and we will be dealing with the fallout from all of this for a long time to come.

Wash your hands, support local businesses as much as possible, do what you can for others, and thank all of our essential workers.

Note: I did not mention that I haven’t blogged in a while. I’m not sure how often I’ll be blogging in the coming months, but I’ll let you know when I post!

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